It's impossible to explain the different modes that I have found myself being able to blog in because I haven't created the chance for me to hide how I feel by avoiding telling my story every day. That's what most people seem to do when they blog ... they seem to find the right mood or right time or right space to be in. Mostly, when I am in a space like I am today, I shove myself into a corner where I run out of time and have to blog.
I think we do that with a lot of situations in our lives. We leave it alone until we are forced to have to deal with it. I've done it with one situation I find myself in and I'm try hard not to do it in another. Either way, 'project me' is all about living within that integrity and living my truth, so sweeping things under the carpet isn't something I do. I might procrastinate and leave it until it's eaten away at most of my day, but I eventually deal with it.
Maybe that's why my back is so sore again? Maybe if I put things down or picked things up ... if I dealt with things as they happened, it might feel a little less like the world is on my shoulders.
So, last year I went away with some friends and this complete amateur took a gorgeous picture on some fancy camera. My friend, who is the professional photographer, was shattered that I had taken such a perfect shot and after photoshopping it to death (I hate anything being tampered with like that) he seemed to forget that I had taken that pic. Sometimes I feel as though I need to call witnesses, because there were. It got so bad that he even gave the pic to myself and another friend as our Christmas gift ... yes, it's that gorgeous a shot. We've lost touch and in an indirect way, it might have had something to do with that pic. As luck would have it ... on the only day I play around on Google+, he's posted my pack, tattooed with his logo across it and he's claimed it. Here's the crappy teacher part ... I couldn't bring myself to do anything about it except froth at the mouth and vent to everyone around me. Do we freeze and forget that it's our right to claim what is ours? Is it because I'm still not settled with confrontation? Didn't I really care? Is it because I'm not a photographer but I would freak out and call lawyers if it were a piece of my writing?
I don't know ... but I do know that I left it for ages. I left it until I sat with Greggie and he helped me see reason and then I sent an email?immediately. I didn't reread it. I didn't spell check it. I kinda did what I'm doing here ... I knew it had to be done so I threw it out there with as little thought and as much courage as possible.
Step one ... he apologised and has given me credit for the pic.
Enters a wise Twitter friend who has clearly learned the power of standing in his truth. Well, didn't he make me see that it wasn't good enough to get credit for that pic, but that pic was not to be used by this photographer at all. I'm kinda like a cute little kitten and my Twit friend is more like a?Rottweiler, so I can't bring myself to go the extent that he suggested I should, but I'm in a state again. I spent the whole day trying to pluck up the courage to send yet another email that says I want the picture removed from everywhere.
I might have backed myself into a corner and had to blog about it, but I'm not done pondering a few unresolved issues on why I can't just claim what is mine without batting an eyelid.
It's amazing that it's all happening as I watch the #FollowSA movement happen on Twitter and I see it grow into a greater awareness and more exciting event. I watch the Tweets that remind me that I started it when people say "Jodene ..." and all I want is for every South African to claim it and make it theirs. It's moments like tonight, when I sit and have coffee with a friend I have only Tweeted with and go to meet for the first time, that I thrive on my dreams. That's living what I teach ... that meeting of a stranger and knowing that our potential as friends or future collaborator, is endless.
And then there's the part that I teach, but have no idea how to live myself just yet. Where's the book that says how to live as a couple and how to know if a relationship is working or not? Where are the teachings that show if I'm being a brat or if I know what I want and deserve it? It's tough ... should it be so though? I've taught about love before, but now I know that it can't be taught. It can only be experienced and you have to be your own teacher.
So tonight I'm heading out with Mr Unexpected and we are going to have a quiet meal and do the thing that I teach ... and I know I teach well. We are going to go and communicate. We are going to speak our perception of our truth and we are going to attempt to put ourselves first in the true spirit of being our own 'project me'.