I can hardly even concentrate, but I'm dragging myself through this blog. I made a choice to tell my life story, so here it is. While I am sitting with all my dramas about feeling fat, hating gym and worries about having to explain my every choice to people around me, I'm waiting to get a call from the vet. I'm waiting for the vet to tell me why my little and oh so precious kitten is having HIV and Leukemia tests.
So this is my life happening in real time and it's not the greatest way to start a Monday. It's especially not fantastic after a weekend of continuous voices pounding away in my head. No, not an array of Cybil voices. They are just my own - The nasty ego voice and the rational soul voice. Oh, there could be a guided voice or two that I seem to ignore most of all.
Of course I know why I'm ignoring them!! It's because they keep shoving this image of the tarot hanged man in my face. As tarot cards go ... I seem to hate this one! Well, who wouldn't? It tells you to stand in your truth and do things your way no matter what the world might think of you, say or do to you!
Don't be fooled by the 'positivity movement'! It's so easy to think all the happy thoughts in the world, but to stand in your truth and do it truly is much more difficult. I even find myself battling to blog this because I know I'm going to get the positivity lecture, yet the reality is undeniable ... to stand up in one's truth is the ultimate of life's challenges.
For starters, it's even difficult to distinguish the truth behind all of the noises of the world. It's simple things that I battle with, but none the less they are monstrous to me.
I've never claimed to be on the positivity bus, but none of the chaos that I go through is any form of a pity party. The fears, obstacles and trial that I face are extremely real. I wouldn't have a career if it were not for the reality that things are easier said than done. I wouldn't have this blog if everyone simply told themselves the truth and never repeated a pattern a day in their lives. But life doesn't work that way and we are all trying to figure out how ....
How do I live consciously? How do I overcome my fears? How do I ensure I never make the same mistake again? How do I face the truth and not sweep it under the carpet?
Winston Churchill once said: "If you're going through hell, keep going!" I'm not sure what that means just yet ... but I do pride myself in the reality that I do keep going, even when it feels like the burning depths of hell.
I have just gotten off the phone from Greggie, who gave me an analogy that I really needed to hear. He told me that when we climb a mountain there are still little hill that we have to go over and on those downhills, we are still working our way up that mountain. If I have my first instincts right, I go back down to the bottom of the mountain every time I have an obstacle. I feel as though I have achieved nothing and that I need to begin all over again.
What's all this encrypted confusion about? Well, it's about food and exercise ... yet again!!
I'm still on the SlimLab and it's certainly helping me curve the cravings and balance the sugars, however, when it was weight-in day I had picked up nearly 3 kg's! Well didn't that just fuel the shame, considering that I have been going to gym and walking nearly every day and I had introduced carbs back into my life after tossing them out for the wedding. I set myself right back to the place of not knowing my body or myself and I tossed the idea of being healthy all together. Instead of going down a little hill and carrying on up the mountain, I rolled over and tumbled all the way to the bottom again. ... That's addiction for you!
So I feel as though I've been battered and bruised, but once again, I know that speaking my truth to Greggie and then to the world is a big part of overcoming the scary space I find myself in. I also know that there are many people out there who I can empathise with and that's why I need to express it in the blog. I know ... I know so much ... but doing something about it is truly easier said than done.
So if you are reading this and you can relate ... cut yourself some slack and be a little kind to yourself. That's all the advice I can give your right now because it's the only thing I know to do for me at this moment too.
PS ... The vet just called and Saphirah does have a low immune system but it's not leukemia or HIV!! I can't tell you how relieved I am! So it's wet food at night and a little monitoring and she'll be just fine 😉
What a day and it's only 11am!