The price of my dreams - project me day 208

28 July 2010

Today literally feels like 3 days in one, but then again this year feels like it should have been spread over at least 3 years and it?s just over half way.
My morning began with needing to get my totally non punctual mother to my permanent make-up appointment on time. She was having a facial while I was having ink seeped into my eyelids by a fine needle and a buzzing machine. Does that sound painful enough? I hate being late. It does something to my blood and it is only perpetuated at the thought of having my eyes tattooed. I could feel my blood boiling inside, only for my precious mother to tell me that I?m driving like Michael Schumacher. Parents!!

I?ve had a huge tattoo on my back and hair removal laser on intimate parts of my body, so I figured, how sore can it be? Does holy shit express it? ?Firstly, you really need to trust the person doing the tattooing because it feels as though your eyeball is going to become a canvas at any moment. That aside, my dearest friend who is almost like my sister, thinks that chatting to me the whole time is the best way to calm the nerves. Well, um, I spoke at every moment except when she wanted me to. I kinda fell totally silent at the point where the needle stabbed its way through my tender skin.

However, I survived and came out the other side with swollen eyes and stunning black lining. It?s never as easy with these things and I?m sure that men think us girls are crazy, but I have to go back on the 31st of August for a touch-up. This will fade about 80% but the touch-up will do the trick and I might have to redo a few lines every couple of years. Who cares ? I get to bounce out of bed, cry as much as I like and be spontaneous without every having to worry about eyeliner. That?s a girl?s dream you know?

Well if that didn?t make one day feel like three ?

To heighten up the pace of the day, I?ve found some crazy mojo about my social networking and am facing the one fear I?ve avoided for ages. I?m throwing my name out there. I?m coming up with great ideas like having my blog sponsored. I am pitching proposals for that sponsorship and I?m offering to help people with their online marketing in exchange for them spreading the word that Jodene has got something to say.

On that note I do have to boast that I am the 16th most followed South African on Twitter ... like woo hoo 😉 Now you will see my personality because I'm not resting until I'm in the top ten! Okay ... a little obsessive!

In the other office Greggie is working equally as hard with a pitch for the business (Lifeology). Besides stolen moments of whipping magnificent lunches together and the odd squeeze of the shoulder, (ok, maybe I squeezed a little too hard) we?ve really been working so hard.

I?m loving it though. I can feel that something is brewing and that things are beginning to change. I used to blog about being afraid to throw myself out there? and now I can feel the gust of wind that is about to carry us away.

I?ve gone on a link mission and can?t believe how easily people say ?sure, I?d love to have your blog on my website!?? ? wow!
I?m beginning to totally understand the power of blogging and can?t believe the impact I have had on the world in such a short time.
A while ago I blogged about the restaurant Thava, and when I checked my stats last night there were a whole lot of links from there website. Wow ? they linked to me and put my blog entry onto their site. So I linked back.

I chatted to someone about a PR opportunity and she told me that she reads my blog daily. What? People that I don?t even know read my blog. That?s my dream coming true.

The truth about working to make my dreams a reality is that it has its side effects. I?m not saying they are all bad, but some of them are a little unpleasant to deal with.
I?ve told you that I?m obsessive and have praised myself for chilling out a little and not being the workaholic I used to be before ?project me?, but a part of me is extremely driven and has total tunnel vision when I want something ? and I want to be a success.

At this point I would like to tell you that I can?t wet my eyes for three days. That means no crying for three whole days.
Never tell someone they can?t cry because now I?ve had two major reasons to burst into tears. Fighting back tears does that awful ache thing at the back of your throat and I hate it. I felt one lonesome tear peak its watery head out and as the sting hit home it cowered back into its little duct. So I opted for the next best thing ? solero. If you don?t know it, it?s this to die for iced creamy fruit lolly and wait for it ? it?s low in fat! Woo hoo. So lollies are holding back the tears and these are some of the realities.

I used to own 2 businesses, had a set salary, had my own home where I could webcam with boys all day and have dinner parties with my friends all night. I used to swap my car every three years and bought at least ten second hand books a month (I know I?ve told you that I collect hard covered second hand books). I didn?t have to find men to date who had their own homes because mine was abundantly open for fun, and now I stay in a room that leads into my mother?s bedroom.
I gave it all up to live my dream - to be partners with the most unbelievable person on the planet and I get to do my writing and teaching every moment of my day. I?m doing it ? ?but at a price..

My independence is one and my passion is another . There is no place to cook at my mom or entertain my friends, but worse of all, there is no place for me to sit on skype and chat to my people around the world. I have spoken to Pandora once this year and we used to speak once a month.
A very dear friend of mine nearly had me in tears when he said how much he misses the old me. The one before I was so driven by my dreams. Don?t get me wrong ? he?s so supportive that it?s ridiculous, but he had a side of me that can?t exist right now.? I love him and I miss him. I miss talking until 3am and camming on the weekends and I miss laughing out so loud that he could almost hear me across the ocean. There is a lot that he misses about me and I couldn?t argue with him because I miss it too.

I?ve been hiding from the world and people who just want to say ?hi? to me and tell me how much they miss talking to me, but I feel that I don?t have time to stop and give them that moment. It always becomes about me feeling guilty about all that I have sacrificed ? and so I am hiding.

My back is killing me and I haven't been to gym. I know it's begging me to move and I have no excuse but to say that the workaholic in me has forgotten how important movement is to my being. I can't even say I'll go tomorrow or the next day ... it feels like a Monday thing! Hmmm ... I need to ask myself what my soul is craving. I bet it's a few rounds on the super circuit.

Sex drive ? What?s that? I teach this stuff and I find myself in a position that I tell people they can overcome by the very thing that they are lacking ? sex! Luckily I don?t have anyone knocking on my door (well, no one that is an option ? um ? enough said!) It gets worse. I don?t have any drive at all. My body is in neutral and it?s just idling away with no desire or passion. It?s been a few weeks now and I?m beginning to realise that the combination of the excitement and anticipation of my life has crossed all the wires in my brain and short circuited the little spot that?s steering my sexual appetite. I mean, if Matt Damon can?t do it for me, this girl?s in serious ?off? mode!

In previous years I had all the time in the world to write one newsletter a month and the low self esteem for Greggie to support me and proof every bit of writing I ever wrote. I now blog daily and the business is getting too big for him to hold my hand and check for the little errors, because I have this stupid issue where I hate reading my work. That was the Second time I wanted to cry ? when Greggie told me that I need to read my blogs before I post them. He showed me the silliest mistakes I make and most of it is because my brain thinks faster than my fingers. It?s something I just have to get over. I want to change my writing when I edit and there is no time to do that with blogging. He can see how I?m blossoming through the blogging and knows I?m not worthy of the little mistakes I overlook. So I?m re-reading I guess 😉

Did I say that so much happened today that it feels like 3 days?

As ?project me? goes. What can I say ? I?m in the midst of making my dreams a reality. I can see the good and all the opportunity and I?ve never had more fun that every moment of my day. I also have to tell myself the truth ? ?You?ve been so damn brave kiddo! Who can truly say they are wide awake and living their dream! I bet that makes it all worth it??

7 comments on “The price of my dreams - project me day 208”

  1. It must take a lot to be so brave. Thank you for sharing your story and encouraging me.

    1. Thank you so much for your comment. It has been an absolute pleasure sharing my life journey with you. I hope to see you around so much more.

    1. I'm battling to respond to your comment because I can't cry and as much as I love and adore you, there is no tear worth that stinging pain in my newly tattooed ... and might I say gorgeous ... eyelids!
      Anyway ... not matter how I say it the whole world knows who very lucky I am to have you as my best friend and business partner!
      Sorry folks ... so mushy 😉

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