The saying is very true, that wherever you go you take yourself with you. So what does one do and where does one go when all you want to do is get away from yourself?
I'm having one of those days and escaping the frustration I have with myself brings me to one of my favourite spots in Jozi. It's a family owned coffee shop in Dunkeld called 'Hodges' and I think I have been coming here since just after I finished school. That's years ago ... trust me. Feeling like part of the family and being placed quietly in the corner so that I can hide away from the world for a while, this is the spot I needed today while letting the reality of my wavering esteem sink in.
Of course it has something to do with a guy. When does the esteem waver as much?
I've never been the most confident girl when it's come to dating. No, let me rephrase that. I'm confident when dating but I've never been the one picked up at the bar or spotted from across the room. It was fine for me when I was lost and insecure, but as I've worked more on my dreams and desires (excuse the pun) I have realised that I do want to be that girl who gets spotted by a stranger and dot ... dot ... dot ...
One of the key things that I can attribute to my #ProjectMe journey is that I have always been a firm believer in doing affirmations and visualisations. However, I don't believe that we just say something over in our heads and it miraculously arrives in our lives. I believe that each thing we need to affirm to ourselves highlights that spot where the esteem is low and we need to focus our consciousness and courage.
Sitting in this gorgeous spot and surrounded by couples who you can see have been together for 3 or 4 decades, my heart can't help but feel a pang on confusion as to why I'm still single at 39 and 11 months. AS 40 has crept closer, I have focused on what I want this potentially phenomenal decade to be filled with and the one thing that jumps out at me is that it's time to be girl noticed in the room. Luckily, my career has thrown me out into the world and the potential to be surrounded by men has truly presented itself. However, in all the out and about moments, I still haven't been noticed ... I think!
The reason why I'm huddled in the corner is directly linked to a story that goes a little something like this:
I did go out and meet someone through where my career takes me. We started chatting work and ended up spending a whole lot of time together. I thought, "hmmm, I could hang around with this guy a little longer." I was sure I felt a little spark, but my low esteem clearly did a fine job of tossing that out the window. It was more like a tornado tore it away, now that I reflect back on it.
It got to that time of the night where, "are you ready to leave?" become the question. Then it gets to that even more familiar place where we are both saying we don't mind, until both our defeated esteems give in and we go our separate ways. Of course, I walked away feeling like nothing had changed and I still wasn't the girl the guy wanted to take home, although there was slight improvement and I could have sworn he hesitated before calling for the bill.
Time passed, we kept chatting and then he dropped into conversation that he wanted to stay but I wanted to go. Worse, he said he had even made it clear, but he thought I wanted to go ... oh, we know how it goes!!
So here I am, in my corner, staring my low esteem in the face and trying to adjust to the realisation that this might be only one of the moments I missed being the girl in the room who had been noticed.
This is the very challenge that #ProjectMe speaks of ...
I have worked so hard at losing weight, changing my appearance, emerging as a confident woman, affirming myself into a healthier space and visualising myself into opportunities where I get to revel in how far I have come. However, something hasn't caught up with me.
There lags my esteem, still stuck in the space I was when I used to frequent Hodges as pimply, insecure, much younger girl.
Trust me, I can't take that night back, but at least we both know so who knows but I'm certainly NOT letting an opportunity like that pass me again. There's nothing like the realisation of a missed opportunity to know that something has to change. #ProjectMe steps up a notch and this time it's all about nurturing that part of us that decides if we get what we want ... our esteem!!