I can't even think of a picture for today's blog. I didn't think I would be this exhausted but I'm sure it's the relief.
It was one of those days that was all planned out with something I have been looking forward to for months. Between the seconds that Greg answered his cellphone and passed it to me with a hint of concern in his voice, my blood turned cold. Between the seconds that my mother said "he is alright, but ..." countless fears raced through my mind.
My 5 year old nephew was hit by a car.
Because the toughest lesson in 'project me' is making everything about me, I'll cut through the drama and say that my brave little nephew is fine and coming home in a few hours. There are countless miracles, like the fact that the accident happened in a cul-de-sac so the car was going extremely slowly and that my sister was at a party with friends who all jumped in to help her through the initial moments while ambulances arrived. She said there was a friends husband counting every minute and telling her how far the ambulance was, so the 5 minutes it took wasn't really the 30 minutes she felt it was.
He has no broken bones and is only complaining of a sore hand. He looks as though he went 10 rounds in a street fight and he was kept overnight for observation but woke up with all symptom normal.
As for me, I also feel as though I have gone ten rounds in a fight, but it's all been internal battles.
When Greggie met me, everything in my life was a hysterical drama and I couldn't cope with anything that life sent me. I literally used to crumble into a heap and things would be so chaotic that no one could determine how bad the problem really was. Years of 'project me' ... consciousness, facing my fears, telling the truth and realising my ability to cope with life, has bought me to the point of handling fear in a much more rational manner.
Yesterday was one of the biggest tests of how far I have come. Logic kicked in and so did the realisation that life will take its course and I will be able to choose from there. But there was nothing I could do until I had more information of was there to see my nephew for myself.
I still had to choose between carrying on the plans with my friends or going to the hospital. The only reason why I considered still seeing a concert I have been waiting to see for months is because you never quite know the extent of the crisis in my family. I say that with love, but for ages you sit with no information at all and after my mom said he was fine but ... I decided to rather take it one second at a time.
I chose my family ... but that's a given.
One thing I can say is that we all pull together in times of need. We never leave each other's side, but the same old family issues bubble under. My 'project me' moment was dealing with them instead of carrying both fear and?frustration?round with me on such an uncertain day. I can't express how big a moment it was to finally have the courage to speak with conviction and not cause a family feud.
I did burst out crying after, but that felt good to.
I don't want children. I say it often. It's moments like yesterday, where I see the fear in my big sister's eyes and this fragile little boy lying in a hospital bed that I admit to myself that I'm not cut out for it this time around. I salute every mommy and daddy and grandparent out there ... but not me! My big sis even passed a giggling comment confirming that this was the final 'not for me' straw. She's so right. It's still another 'project me' moment despite it not being what people might understand. I have had dozens of people telling me it's the greatest gift you can give yourself and you can't go through life not being a parent. But yesterday I had moments of greatest gifts. Every day I have moments of greatest gifts.
I'm not a 'what if' girl! Neither am I a 'it could have been' girl. I don't hash different scenarios in my head. He might have died, he could have been paralised ... no, no ... there's no place for that in 'project me'! It is what it is! There is enough to be grateful for without having to be grateful for all that did not happen. For some reason, this realisation did something very important within me.
I've blogged about it before, but in these moments I always get my mother's most focused attention and simply say "Psalm 91". The story is long but its impactful enough for me to have traced different patterns on writing on my arm for the tattoo that is simply going to say 'psalm 91'! ?Without any could have's or should have's ... yesterday I witnessed a miracle.
Actually ... what moment in life isn't a miracle?
Jodene, what a gift your nephew is! I'm glad he's all right.
You know what? If you have decided not to have children, then you have decided not to have children. We're not all called to the same path in life. How boring would it be if we were??
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Thank you for your empathy, Amy, it is refreshing. I always try and explain that, although I know everyone can see the making of a great parent, I have just never had the maternal desire. I love children very much and even write children's stories, but the knowing is stronger.
I am now following your blog and can't believe the twins connection because I have two sets of twin nephews. The one who got knocked over is a twin and his brother was a very brave champ too.
Have a beautiful day and week ahead and I can't wait to get to know your story more!
I think those that consider the "cost" of a child when considering whether to start a family really haven't given it enough thought. The fears of being a parent, one that'll be strong no matter what, one that can provide guidance at difficult times, one that can let the child make their own mistakes but help fix them... one that just worries about the important stuff. Terrifies me, always will... becoming a parent is a choice I don't think I would make.
Well as I'm commenting here it seems your sister and nephew are on their way out... so all seems to be well (if not totally fine). Then again moments like this remind us of two things... every moment is a miracle and somehow kids are far more amazing that we remember being. When, how did we ever forget that we too were that strong?
Makes you wonder... o.0
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Your comment is very true on every level Robbie.
I agree that you can never discard anything out of fear but I think that sometimes we have a knowing about the direction of our life paths. Yes, we could both be laughing about this conversation, in a few years time, when there are mini me's running around!
What a relief to have him home with us and telling his version of being bumped by the car. I'm sure there will be a big story to tell of his friends at school today!