The story of who I am - project me day 506

21 May 2011

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

Sometimes I get a song in my head and I can't let it go until I figure out why it's there. You'll be thrilled to know that I do listen to music other than Country. I usually stumble upon the song in some unusual way, like this one. The first time I heard it I was watching the Grey's Anatomy episode that everyone was bitching about. I did plan to do a blog on how I couldn't believe that people didn't see the?symbolism?and think it was one of the best episodes ever. Okay, the singing wasn't always great, but holy macaroni, they did choose the songs damn well. This one in particular ...

Then my remote control for the?satellite?broke and I was no longer able to fast forward past crappy ads. Of course, I believe that everything happens for a reason (even if the reason is only to make you stop and realise that things happen for a reason, but that's the only reason). Then there was this ad which used the same song and I felt haunted by it!

It's timing is amazing!
I'm feeling lonely again. It happens in spurts and it's one of those times again. I've had the usual situation where I was flirting with someone and he was being very forward, excited to meet me ... blah, blah and straight after meeting he was offish (that's code for damn fucking rude). I keep getting back to being mean to myself and blaming the fact that I'm not a size 2 ... but then I get over it quick enough (for half a minute) and it goes back to thinking that changing things about me will bring someone into my life.

The 'sense of humour' part of 'project me' is the fine line between laughing at life and laughing AT life. Yes, that's how fine the line is. At the moment it is a big laugh that I keep saying I'm turning 40 but it's really 3 years away. Sometimes the laugh is to prevent me from putting blindfolds on and walking down the street to put me out of my?misery at the loneliness I can feel at times.
On the other hand, I have a dear friend who would give anything to be more than just friends and I just don't feel the chemistry! So, I don't even have a leg to stand on when I think no man on the planet would like me, because here is this sweet, kind, gentle, loving, incredible, friendly, honest man who is standing right in front of me and ... chemistry sucks!

Months a go I promised to write a blog about chemistry for Organic O, but seriously, I still don't know how to put it into words. I don't know to explain it because I think it's quite?inexplainable.

So, today was supposed to be the end of the world is some way or form and it's not over yet, but I'm taking my chances that I will wake up on the 22nd. I did have a slight pang on concern that people's worlds as they know it would change and that's why I wasn't surprised to get the call from my sister. She woke up and my brother in law's side of his face looked as though he had a stroke. Off it was to the hospital and a day of taking care of my nephews ... guess how I coped? Anyone ... no? ... Okay, I'll tell you! I ate! You know the story! I know the story, but the story has to change.

On the night of #D500 I announced that I would begin 'project body' and I haven't really done much about it besides asking my sponsor for the blog, Niel of SlimLab, to help me with an eating plan. It's not a diet (he hate those). It's an understanding of what a decent portion size is and what makes up a healthy meal ... my brain and my body can't figure that out on it's own.
Then I decided to make this end of the world thing count for something and I've decided that I do have the ability to do things differently ... so I will begin to tell the story of emotional eating, hating gym and then kicking myself for it therefore causing more emotional stress and eating something else. Climb on the?hamster wheel with me, why don't you!

To end the day ... I'm making dinner with the friend who I am blessed to have but can only offer so much of myself. My brother-in-law has balspalsy ... and I'm planning on listening to the same song for the 100th time today!

8 comments on “The story of who I am - project me day 506”

  1. I just love you, Jodene because you tell the truth. It is so easy to self-edit as a blogger -- to spin the truth, deflect, etc. I know I use humor to lessen the truth that I am trying to tell. But you don't hide behind words. You use your words to shed light on those things that you sometimes don't want to look at. Stay strong, woman. You are loved across oceans and continents. You will find the right man when you are in the exact right place to receive him. And when he does come, he will so appreciate the woman who made herself a Project (and he won't care about a size 2)! You are gorgeous inside and out and the world is about to open up for you like nobody's business!

    So that was long-winded but I wanted you to know that I care. Besides , it's the end of the world anyways, right? LOL! Love you!
    My recent post Wordless Wednesday 10 — A Spring Surprise

    1. I think you have this scheming plan where u you are out to make me cry with every comment. Bless you for the beautiful words and special reminder of what is important my dear friend.
      Now what ... the world didn't end! lol ... maybe I should leave it up to you to find me a cowboy 😉

  2. Chemistry? Jo, just don't go there. Please, don't! I got married for all the wrong reasons. There was not that spark. Met someone and it was there. Don't know how or what happened, but it was there. But it was a friendship that was never meant to be - never mind a relationship. So now I'm alone again. Maybe one day!

    1. I believe that every relationship has a special gift for us and that even when it ends, to focus on how you grew, who you have become and the moments when it all felt perfect, that's what counts.
      I think you have a very brave story to tell, Trudie, and that making changes and putting yourself back out there will have rewards of love that is out there waiting for you ... now that you know yourself so much better!
      One day hunny ... one day!!

  3. Its a great song - its emotional too and i feel a sense of it making me feel better as it goes along if that makes sense? _I feel lonely so many times, I work with a lady who loves me but I know I don't love her and never will. I have feelings that i love my friend from another country who I have never met and she loves me. But I know that in the end of the day I am here alone - just me! After many times looking for love and been hurt i have stopped looking now - perhaps i have found the one? but in my heart until I am happy and with that person for real I leave the door to my heart open while I try to live my life as me! and that will never change - I am me and you are you! be yourself and never let anyone change who you are!

    1. Thank you so much for sharing with me with such truth. I can relate in many ways but there is a part of me that knows I will find that love that only I can explain. I hope that a part of you always keeps positive and knows how very deserving you are of love!

  4. Jo Jo this is one of the most amazing ones i have EVER read!! Well Done!! PLEASE remember that YOU are amazing your time will come and the RIGHT person will appreciate YOU!!! lotsa love D xoxox

    1. Thank you so much for this comment my hunny! Thanks for always supporting me and for reminding me of these things when I'm overshadowed by moments of low esteem! So much love ...

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