I've had the combination of a stressful and exciting few weeks. I've also had my fair share of happiness and then a whack of sad. I've been forced to look at some things and tell myself the harsh truth and a few days later I've had the gift of being given the simplest reminder of who I am and what I deserve.
In all of this, my days have been filled with the ebb and wave of emotion and for whatever reason, I decided to deal with it on my own and not turn to friends for advice, a shoulder or an indication that I am on the right path. So, it's just been me!
Without the distraction of endless phone calls or whatsapp messages or coffee (okay, tea) where I speak my heart for hours, I have felt as though I magnified my life and discovered a few things that I have done, mostly unconsciously in the past, in times of happy and/or sad.
It's been a joy, actually! Even to discover the things I turn to while trying to mend my hurting heart, I have smiled at the little things I have come to realise that not even my bestie (who really knows EVERYTHING) may know about me ...
I eat melted cheese when I am anxious.
Rephrase! I crave melted cheese at that moment when butterflies hit my tummy. It was the day I climbed into the car and drove to the supermarket, just to buy a block of mozzarella, that I realised, hey, I do this. It simply gets sliced onto a plate, popped into the microwave, splashed with Worcestershire sauce the moment it comes out and voila ... melted cheese totally trumps butterflies.
I have a size 34 dress in my cupboard that I have had there since 1998. I have dreamed of fitting into it for fifteen years. It's brightly coloured, with parrots all over it and has little shoestring straps. It's also completely hugging and not made for the curvy body I have come to love and respect. I'm only missioning my way down to a size 38 now and am creeping closer to turning 42 ... who the hell am I kidding?
I get the feeling that we keep something like that as a reminder of what we could have or be, but years down the line, I don't want the same things when I was a chubby 20something year old. I may still turn to melted cheese, but it's time for the dress to go ...
Years ago, a very special man what ripped from my life, by a vengeful person with a gun. It's been over twenty years and sometimes I think I need a second round of therapy to deal with his death. Anyway, I somehow associated the song Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen to my love and my loss and now I have over 20 versions of the song. Everyone from Bob Dylan, Katherine Jenkins (one of my favourite versions), KD Lang (makes me weep), to South African Idols version and totally random YouTube version. I have spent hours listening to different version all in a row. When life hurts, I shut the world out, wish I were somewhere else, living a life that wasn't torn away from me ... and I just cry! Dramatic ... but oh so true!
I own two mobile phones! The one is kept purely because I am a closet Candy Crush player. Okay, I think my bestie knows this one! No one else does. Oh the shame!!!
My brain is a noisy one and it's always filled with work or plans or what if's and sometimes I just want it to shut up for a while. I started playing around the time I called off my engagement, in the middle of the night, when I couldn't sleep and really didn't want to think. Then I got very far in the game and it was time for an upgrade. WHAT ... you can't transfer a game to a new phone??? I swear, I don't use the phone for anything else! It's literally charged, the switched off and turned on to get my "crush" fix and the process is on repeat!
There may be others, like I keep a pack of bendy straws in my makeup drawer, because sometimes sipping through one helps me concentrate for longer. Tiny little sips ... always of bubbles, but everyone knows that!
I'm about to head into a day where I'm going to need the melted cheese, a few rounds of Candy Crush, Hallelujah on repeat and a bendy straw in my laptop bag for just in case ... but first, I have a really old dress and some expectations to clear out!