It's human nature to focus on the 'don't haves' and I've made it my mission this year to be as conscious as possible and realise all that I do have. In 2 days time I will have hit the 200 mark of 'project me'. 200 days of being conscious and focusing on all that I do have. I can write lists about the gratitude I have for my life and am also bold enough to say how awesome I know I am and the impact that I know I can have on the world. Or do I?
Yesterday I blogged a silly question about who would play the part of me if 'project me' were to be turned into a movie in my wildest dreams. When I thought about the actresses I would have chosen I was thinking more along the lines of silly, funny and a little ditsy. That's how I think I most portray myself to the world. I believe that even the quirkiest ... maybe someone like Cameron Diaz has the ability to have a look of wisdom and a carry of the strong teacher energy that govern a lot of my personality. But the comments I received made me realise that, no matter how much I do believe in myself, I might no understand the magnitude of the impact I make in the world. That's the scary thing, because I know I make impact ... but Kathy Bates and Bette Midler and my all time favourite, Shirley McLean!
That humbled me.
Then came the beautifully charming ones who capture the silver screen like Emily Blunt and Charlize Theron. The more votes there were for Charlize, the more I realised that I might just be missing a few things that people see in me despite the fact that I see myself in the mirror all day.
One of the things that I teach in the Organic Orgasm work is that 'there is always someone'. ?I'm about to blog about that tomorrow, but in a nutshell there are some things that we don't have the ability to see for ourselves. The things people say to us and do for us and how they express their love for us is sometimes exactly what the soul asks for. I love teaching that concept and don't think I really understood that concept until this incident with the blogging and yet another 'boy' incident.
I think I'm a catch. I have all the right qualities from being a fabulous cook and lover to being compassionate, fun and intellectual. I'm pretty enough and confident enough and well ... I could go on a bit about myself! 'Project me' has forced me to take a look at myself, the men I attract and ask myself why I'm still single at the age of 36. Sometimes the answers sit well with me and other times I feel as though their are a whole lot of things I need to change about myself before I can be loved.
That never lasts long though and is usually only flayer up after yet another guy doesn't respond to the chat we started. This one totally boggled me. We were getting on just super and both had an appreciating for each other's 'off the wall' sense of humour. We wrote back a few times and he even said he wanted to meet me for coffee and could he have my email address ... wow, that's further than I get with a lot of guys. In the email back I was my usual self (which I usually don't show in the first correspondence just to sus out if they will deal with me. Clearly there was something in the last chat I sent because he was gone like scotch mist.
Damn that upset me ... but then something special happened. Another 'someone'! Someone who without knowing how I was feeling, turned to me and told me just how lucky someone would be to love me. I hear it often ... mostly the men who are saying they don't want to be with me are also saying that whoever gets me will be so lucky. This?conversation?was not the same.
This someone made me realise something even more special. They got me to see just how powerful I really am. They got me to realise that I know deep down inside who should be sharing my life, love and body with and that when these men don't follow through or say they can't be with me or don't want to be with me. When these men promise to call and don't or ignore me online or delete me when they think no one is looking ... I'm ?silently relieved because I do know just how special and lucky the person will be to share my life. And once again ... I might not realise just how lucky if it were not for the beautiful people in my life who show me who I really am.
To all of those 'someones' who showed me more of who I am, I thank you. Without even realising it, you gave me a glimmer of the woman I haven't completely taken the time to get to know ... and just in the knick of time too because I still have another 167 days to meet her.