Today's the first day I can say I think I hate blogging.
I've only just become aware of my unconscious strategy and not that I know it I'm faced with the very lessons that I teach the world ... Tell myself the truth and make a change, no matter how small it might be. Just do something different ... do anything as long as it's not what I've done before.
'Project me' is about putting me first and learning how to do that. It's about being conscious of my thoughts and actions so that I live in my truth and find the fun in every situation that is my life. I'm doing that ... but honestly, I'm only blogging after the storm.
So ... here's my reality check and I promise you, it's a tough on for me to do. I have to blog in the storm and amidst life's chaos. Let me tell you why I don't like to do that ... it's because people love to look for the weak spot of a person and then make it seem as though life is so much bleaker than it is. I don't want to be blog the story without the lesson and have someone think they have found a crack and start telling me to be positive and to believe and to pick myself up because it seems as though I have fallen forever ... I don't like that side of human nature.
The encouragement, support and love that is showered by people who know how I think and that I know I will never fail and that I am getting that life is always perfect ... now those comments inspire and carry me. But I can't choose who reads my blogs, what they think of how they comment. There's the challenge right there ... tell my truth and not worry about the anyone's perception ... damn that's a bitch!!!
Of course I dashed off to gym this morning before blogging just to calm a little of my ego down, but the reality is that I think I've been to gym twice since I had my tattoo ... that's like a month and a half. I totally fell of that bandwagon and have been giving myself a hard time about it. I've made every excuse from it being to freaking freezing to the usual needing to start on a Monday ... or is that a Saturday?
I haven't mention my tackle with food of late because that's total chaos. I'm beginning to realise that it controls me way more than I have any control over it. I'm even taking the medication for my sugar levels but I can't seem to get back into the swing of eating unconsciously ... I know what that means to me! This is where ?I battle to express myself ... but I know that when my head isn't?interfering?with my body then I naturally want to nurture and feed myself in a healthy and balanced way. But, when there is noise in my head ... which is a lot of the time ... then I lose total self respect and I'll eat just anything.
I'm working very hard with Greggie so that I can hear myself talk the truth about my body and my relationship to food ... but it's still a whole lot of noise. I also need to take the time to explain my 'archetypical' make up to you so that you can understand why I do some of the things I do ... I know why I haven't explained it before, of course. That's gonna be a post all on its own and today's just about me admitting the chaos!
So I'm still waiting for the boy to make the changes, but omitted to mention that the change is that he's in a relationship. I'm in total chaos ... there's such a bond even though we only spent those few hours at the soccer. Lots of phone calls and sms's and total honesty about where we both stand in our own lives and how we feel about the other person ... but he's battling to end it. I have to follow my heart and not care what the world thinks of my choices right now ... that is the best 'project me' gift I can give myself.
What's the worst that will happen? He won't leave her and won't follow through on his feelings and I'll do a whole lot of crying ... but I won't be ashamed of having thrown myself into my feelings and honouring my truth that I want to wait! So ... I'm waiting!
That's a taste of my reality ... a bit chaotic but I'm still having fun!