Up in the air - project me day 530

14 June 2011
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I?m thousands of feet above the ground and finally on my way home after an unexpectedly productive trip to Cape Town. This is officially my first mid-air blog, but I?m thinking that it?s far from my last.

To be honest, I have that real back to school feeling and haven?t been able to shake some odd emotions since the beginning of yesterday. After meeting so many people and all chatting so freely about where we find ourselves in our lives, it?s not surprising that the main topic was how hard it is to own our own businesses and survive financially. A lot of us are still wondering how we are going to do it and the frustration mounts when the compliments about my abilities roll in.
There is business opportunity in both Cape Town and Joburg and I?m also keen to head off to Durban and see the contact that we can make there. So why the frustration?

Greg hit the nail on the head when he said that people leave their lives to fall into such a state of chaos that by the time they get to us, finance has become their greatest signal that they need to do something different. Very seldom are our financial issues related to money at all, but we only seem to pay attention to our lives and what needs to change when money becomes a crisis. Then people need us .... when money is too tight to pay us. I haven?t been able to shake that insecure feeling for a while now, but stand firm in my knowing that there is nothing on the planet I would be doing besides this.

?I?m determined to make a living as a blogger,? is something that you will find me saying very often. I know the spin-offs to that are? all a part of the income too, but I want my blogging platform to generate money and I know it can. If I get suck in the how?s I?m going to get myself even more upset and confused, so I?m just continuing to do what I?m doing on a daily basis. That?s the toughest part of ?project me? ... knowing when to do something different and when to just keeping going! It?s completely hit and miss and the one place where all you can do is believing in yourself enough to trust your instincts. I?ve learned that no one can ever teach that and even though the tools that Greggie and I share through Lifeology helps to guide the way ... the choices we make just can?t be taught!

In the ?something? that changed yesterday, I could feel both Greggie and myself slip into our own silent spaces of needing to get home for our own reasons. Very often people confuse us as a married couple and I question that assumption just because we work together, travel together and share some beautiful common friends. I got myself in a bit of a state thinking that people around us thought our friendship was unhealthy and went to sleep with that pang on concern. I can always see my headspace by my dreams and it was a totally chaotic one where I has hating everything around me and in a world that completely didn?t suit me. My world does suit me! My friendship and business partnership suits me too and so does my getting myself out into the world and looking for a relationship and friendships separate from those I share with Greggie.

If I don?t get out, it?s got nothing to do with co-dependence and everything to do with my own money issues. I usually weigh up the funds too heavily and choose to rather save the pennies than go for that dinner or that drink. Greggie is the complete opposite and I?ve had to work hard at following his lead. That?s the only reason why I?m usually out with him ... because he?s made sure I do it! It?s scary to know that ?project me? things need to be done a little differently at the very time that money is tight.

To add to the frustration, there are some old financial issues that have crept up from my past partnership and the worst thing you can ask for is a call from the accountant when you are about to head on a plane home. That?s the reality of life and I?m waiting to touch down and get straight onto calls that ask why the South African Revenue Services thinks I?m still drawing a salary I stopped receiving nearly 2 years ago. Oh joy!!!

I do have to intervene in saying that when we boarded the plane and the paramedic was in front of me, I thought to myself ?I hope it?s not one of those movie scenes where he?ll ironically be needed on the flight!? ... of course it is! Someone has just passed out and he?s off to do his job! Crazy thoughts ...

Anyway ... to end the post and settle down into a flight that will be 40 minutes short because the wind is shoving us along ... it?s amazing when a friendship survives the feeling that enough is enough. This is why I?m so blessed to have the friends and business partner that I have. We have been living in a studio apartment where the couch faces the bed and have literally done everything together for nearly 10 days. No closing the door to get away from each other except for one day where Greggie went for a walk and I took a nap. No wonder we are little edgy with one another! The ?project me? part of it is that we can have that chat and make sure the other person isn?t taking it personally. We can hold our own issues and not project them onto one another, without taking offence to the hours of silence in each other?s presence. As business partner and friends we have years of travels ahead of us and I know that these moments will be many! It makes me wonder how the hell couples survive living with each other for years on end ... an adventure I hope to explore and discover for myself one day!!

PS ... unbelievable ... someone else on the flight has just collapsed and is need of medical attention. Isn?t it amazing the reality we create for ourselves! Thanks for being on board Mr Paramedic!!


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