When love and pain never leaves - project me day 470

15 April 2011

I haven't mentioned the healing process of my back in ages and then on days like today I realise that my heart is doing some healing of it's own. There is something odd about a constant pain that eventually just becomes part of the daily part of life and with my back I have moments of realising that it isn't normal to feel that way.

It's doing much better and I am completely mobile without the constant panic that I'm going to snap in half anymore. I haven't taken anti-inflammatories for a good few months and I take a pain pill a few times a months. That's freaking fantastic from when it all began 8 months ago.

There is a niggle all the time. When I go to bed and lie down for the first time in a day, my lower back aches and then slowly settled for a good night's rest. In the morning, I wake up to a very cranky back and there's no jumping out of bed. I have to turn slowly, stretch slowly and get out of bed with a whole lot of patience. Then it settles into the day and as long as I don't sit for too long or walk for too long I'm fine. However, I'm in my new home and I have to get into the swimming pool in the gym and strengthen my back ... otherwise this pain is never going to leave.

Early this morning, while the back pain was still settling in, my phone rang. I would know that voice anywhere even though we haven't spoken in well over a year. Before I go any further I need to remind you that you are dealing with a Libran. If that means nothing to you then think hopeless romantic and great believer in the fairytale of love. Despite the fact that my friends might have thought I was nuts and that it never turned out the way I dreamed, I fell in love with someone once. He lives on the ass end of the world (That would be the edge of Canada from where I'm standing) but for months on end we skyped, called and planned being together. At crunch time he thought our plan was a very bad idea and I was mortified.

I haven't found true love yet. It's brushed past me and I seem to attract men who really want to but can't bring themselves to follow through. I used to be flattered when I got a regretful message a few months or years later, but now I don't want someone who can't stand true to how they feel. So a phone call with a lot of missing and a whole lot of I will always love you reminds me of that same nagging pain that becomes a part of every day life.

Money is frustrating at the best of times but when the wish is to buy a plane ticket and do what I do best ... trust my instincts and jump in with both feet ... well, maybe not having money is the safest bet right now ... lol! It is how I feel though and it's always been how I feel when it comes to him. It's amazing because there is another man ... a very special man ... who has my attention now. Someone more real, more available, more?accessible and a whole lot cheaper to go out on a date to explore the possibilities. The sucky difference is that the I don't know about the guy here or how he feels if he feels anything at all and I do know about the love that is thousands of miles away.

Great way to start a Friday, right?

Can I tell you a little something about my personality? When I know, I know! I never plan great long futures and I never cast anything in stone, but I do know what I feel and I carry it through. It took longer for my back to heal because I knew I didn't need an operation. It took a lot of tears and disappointment but I knew that I had a bond with someone and it hasn't gone anywhere.

Maybe that means I'm not afraid of pain as much as I think I am? Or maybe I know that love and pain are both inevitable but they don't have to be a part of the same story all of the time? Or maybe I just have a cranky back and a hopeless romantic heart?

2 comments on “When love and pain never leaves - project me day 470”

  1. Hmmm... playing it safe? Play it safe and you still end up dead someday, take a few risks, sure you'll pick up a few scars and ultimately end up dead anyhow. But lets face it, scars are usually tattoos with interesting stories.

    Well, we know you're nuts 😉 but that is all part of your charm. So don't be changing that any time soon. Besides, if we can't believe in our own fairy tales or happily ever after (and that really could be anything for anyone) then what really is the point to it all? :S

    Anyhow... 😀 all said and done... It's national cleavage day! A happy day I tell you 😉
    My recent post Empire State of Mind

    1. I only read this comment the day after and the timing is perfect hun ... sometimes I forget these precious things about me ... most of all that I'm nuts 😉

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