Today is the first day in nearly a month that I've been able to work without the nagging ache of my back?disturbing?my focus and tampering with my passion. That happened just in time because I've needed a bit of a firmer support with all the going's on between my life and Greggies.
Where to begin.
Tomorrow is a huge day for Lifeology. Greggie has the first corporate talk for The Foundation. At the same ?time he's dealing with a break-up that has really wrenched at his heart and I can't even begin to imagine the anguish, hurt and obvious anxieties that my precious friend went through today. A day when I can't drive while my back heals and when I have deadlines of my own.
That's what made the day so huge, well part of it at least. ?Tomorrow is a day we have been waiting for for so long and there is turmoil. None the less Greggie and I forge on through it all.
Back at my place I decided that if Greggie is braving such bold things then I need to deal with one of my major fears. I never let anything go out into the world (beside project me) without Greggie reading it first. Yes, he wears the hat of editor too. That was it, today was different. I have been waiting to do my first guest blog for She's the Geek and today was the day. I could sit for longer than 20 minutes without the aching butt and I decided to make hay while the sun shone and edit my piece too.
Granted, it took me about an hour to write the article and then ... wait for it ... about 5 hours to edit it. I kid you not. The editing process included multiple attempts at totally being nasty to myself and trying to convince myself that the article would be filled with errors because I'm shocking at editing my own work. ?Well, I am shocking at editing my own work but that's not the 'project me' way. The only reason why I'm so bad is because I obsess about wanting to change a perfectly good piece of writing and the nitpicking to such an extent that I start glossing over.
After countless cups of tea and trips to go pee and after doing my burst of exercise to save my back from further damage, I finally did it. I edited the post all by myself and sent it off with that satisfied feeling like I had done good. What a whopping moment that was. If I could jump up and down with joy I would.
I emptied my mailbox. Now that is a freaking huge thing for me. I always promise myself that I will and I always think there are more important things to do. Sometimes the things that we think aren't important really are. Today emptying my mailbox was of the highest priority. Alright ... it's a little lie. It's actually because it was a brilliant way of distracting me during the editing process but hey, two birds with one stone so to speak.
Sometimes it's the little things that make all the difference and sometimes what we see as a huge mountain is only a little pebble. Um, is that analogy right? I still felt as though I was dealing with a huge mountain to climb, but I did it anyway ... that's better!
Greggie and I just came back from dinner and tomorrow is a massive day for him so it was a little anxious. It's unlike us to not be able to see the positive and so we had time.
'Project me" ?has saved me time and time again. I cried today when I was trying to distract myself from editing and thought about the journey I have taken this year. It's overwhelming amazing! It's a story worth telling and so I played out a little interview with Ellen in my head. Yes, I cry when she asks about my journey and I cry most of all when I think about the incredible people who have become a part of my life thanks to the journey ... and yes, the interview is as dramatic as this blog entry!
Lastly, and something I contemplated sharing but decided to tell you because I tell you everything. Today was the most whopping of all when I realised that no fibre of my being has the ability to cheat or be the other woman. Well, technically I wouldn't be the other woman if the offer for a shag was the only thing on the table. We all turn down shags from attached people, but this is more than just an attached person. This is a man that I love and adore. This is person I tried to relate to but we know we aren't relationship material. This is a man where sparks fly when we are in a room together and he's in that place of not being able to leave ... blah, blah ... we know how it goes.
Do you know that I tried to coax myself into some dark space. I was almost begging the low self esteem to emerge and give me permission to give in to my honest desire. Damn my integrity ... damn my self love, worth and respect!!! This chick just doesn't have it in me to do it. ?I don't even think that's much to do with 'project me'. I think it's just in my nature ... but that could also be selling my self love a little short. I cried ... yes again ... when I told him I just couldn't and he said he understood and admired me even more for it. I'm telling you because I don't think it's going to go away that easy and I am a little worried that the?temptation?will linger, especially after my shocker with the other guy. But for today I said 'no' when all the shadow parts of me wanted to scream 'yes' and as difficult as it is, that made it a whopping day!
PS ... I love you!